


lagst- sad blue boye

by Cryptonicsolstace



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Langst, Multi, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-26 10:23:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14400162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cryptonicsolstace/pseuds/Cryptonicsolstace
Summary: Lance has never loved himselfHe can't help itHe's anxious and he doesn't feel under appreciated just..useless and he feels even worse without his family.He's always been careful to keep to himself all his emotions, in fear of judgement.What will the team do when they start noticing small changes?





	1. stranger

**Author's Note:**

> First fic here!!  
> It's really..hard to bring out what I see in my head. either way, i tried!

There was a knock at the door, barely audible through his headphones . He sat up, a groggy look painted on his face. He took off his headphones.  
"What."  
"Come join us for breakfast," It was Hunk "I need you to come try something new I whipped up!"  
Lance hummed in response and before long he had been at the breakfast table, the team wildly eating away at their plates. He heard hums of delight. The team, in between big spoonfuls, greeted him, lance nodded in response. Hunk placed a plate in front of lance with a white jelly like substance. Lance took a bite , it tasted like chocolate, Lance loved chocolate and Hunk knew this.  
"..it's good."  
Hunk was dumbfounded "you sure.. you don't like it?"  
"No! It's genuinely really good, I'm glad I get to enjoy chocolate again."  
He didn't throw aside his plate to shower Hunk with compliments like he usually did. He didn't shove it all in his mouth like the rest either.  
"I like it but I'm not really in the mood to eat right now."  
The team looked at him  
"You always want to eat! Are you sick?"  
"No- no-i mean yes yeah I'm sick..in the stomach so I'll just go lay down again. Call me if you need anything."  
"Looks like you'll be taking the day off then." Pidge joked. Keith stifled his laughter. "Lance..in was just kidding..you okay?" He hadn't noticed the sad expression he had on his face. His mask was sliding off, he had to convince them everything was fine.  
he laughed hysterically, maybe a little too much. The team looked dumbfounded as the blue paladin walked out of the room. "Good one pidgeon." He called over his shoulder.  
"Dont call me that!" She screamed back. 

The table was silent, it was strange since they were all so used to eating while listening to lance talk about his skin care routine ,and why everyone else there should have one, was interrupted today. Pidge broke the silence with a story about the new yodeling at Walmart kid and  
The team laughed as Pidge did an impression.  
'They're sure having fun without me' lance thought.  
'I'm so selfish they're just having fun why does everything make you sad? Geez lance you're so sensitive.'

He brushed off his own comment


	2. weak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to update twice because my dumb ass forgot to check for spelling PfT  
> Anyway here's chpt 2

the team had just finished another exasperating battle against the Galra,they were tired. the paladins exited their lions,slowly,but not taking their precious time to finally run into their rooms and have a feel of that ever so luxurious mattress. Keith angrily stomped to wait for the blue paladin. it took a while but eventually blue's head lowered and her paladin exited, helmet under his arm. Keith opened his arms wide. Lance half expected a hug, but of course Keith being Keith.

"Lance what the hell is so important that you didn't pay attention to what was going on out there? you could've had us killed!" Keith yelled.

'see? you're selfish, only thinking about yourself when other people need you,then,all you do is complain about how no one wants you around...weak.' Lance felt a shudder run down his spine.

Keith continued on with his rant while lance spaced out, blue nagged him at the back of his mind and he let her enter, blocking out the sounds from all the things around him. He wanted her to talk to him, make him feel better. She knew what he was going through, though,Hunk did too but not like Blue. 'hey girl.' he said, hearing his own voice in his head but not quite sure if it really sounded like him. she purred in response, he somewhat heard her speak, more like the words entered his brain and he knew they were there..he could feel them,someone reading them aloud but not quite. In the end it didn't matter,a shove brought him back to the hangar."You're doing it again!" Keith furiously threw his hands up. "Don't tell me; your'e thinking about some dumb ass shit rather than  _us_ our  _lives,_  in the middle of battle?"lance somewhat looked at Keith "its not like that."

"Oh of course it isn't  _lance_ its never like that, is it?"

"I never think about anything else when i'm in battle."

"that explains quite a lot actually!" Keith's voice slowly leveling to a mocking tone. "that isn't..what I meant." lance turned to face away from Keith. "look, man i'm really tired please,  _Kei_ _th_  just leave me alone."

wait.. what ever happened to ''mullet?'' this was strange,its one thing for Lance to loose his appetite to his favorite dessert but to give in,in an argument was another ,it was worse he didn't retort . this wasn't Lance. Shiro, Hunk and Pidge seemed to notice too, they reflected the same confused look Keith had back at him.

\--

Finally alone, Lance hugged himself, he didn't care about the chest plate digging into his side, he needed comfort. 

Whenever he was sad back at home, the sea gave him a sense of comfort and if he had to cry, the sea would weep with him. He would walk back inside, his mom would envelop him into a tight hug and she would whisper over his head, her chin resting on his dark,wavy hair, comforting "todo estará bien." 's and "te amo, hijo, ya estás con mamá."and he would slowly but surely go back to digging the fridge and playing with his siblings in the sand. They would sit together to watch sunsets and they would go to eat outside, trying to see if they could avoid the sea gulls for once in a lifetime. He loved his family...he missed them. There were no sunsets in space, no beaches among the huge balls of gas called stars. He had always wanted to be here, but now he wished he could go back home. He didn't care if they were financially unstable, he wanted them to know he was okay. He felt his arms grow weak as he tried to pull off his armor, he was instead met with shudders rocketing his body and big hot tears running down his cheeks.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translations:todo estara bien/everything will be okay  
> te amo hijo ya estas con mama/i love son, youre with mom now  
> hey! sorry if Keef cussed once or twice, i reflected his anger or smthn like that. I made sure to spell check once or twice and I tried with the capitalization.  
> anyway hope the story is Langsty enough so far! im trying to have Lancelot spend some time with every person in the castle, if i cant do it in 3 chapters, guess i'll have to add more.


	3. Chapter 3

He wiped the tears off his face and quietly removed his armor. Minutes felt like hours but it's not like he had anything better to do. Maybe he could go and help Coran out with something, it's better than helplessly moping around. He made his way around the castle, looking for the enthusiastic man when he suddenly collided against someone. "Hey watch it." Pidge said as she fixed the glasses resting over her nose. "Oh, Lance." 'Is she really that dissapointed it wasn't someone else?' Lance felt his already fragile self esteem stooped to dangerous levels. He wanted to feel a sharp sting on his wrist again, to rid himself if his thoughts, to pay his price for being  _pathetic_ and useless. Pidge walked past him, suddenly turning on her heels before he could walk off and said "Hey, now that you're here, why not play a game of space destroyer or something." She said an awkward tone in her voice. It's as if she'd sensed his thoughts and she didn't want him to go do something crazy. The nagging thought kept tugging at his mind, as of trying to control his thoughts. Lance hesitantly shook his head a yes.

\--

"HAHA got you again!"

"You just suggested this game because you were good at it."

Pidge laughed hysterically. " Dang you're right." She put down the controller and laughed off the rest of her victory before turning to Lance and fixing her crossed legs. "Hey so like,, you've been acting.. different and it's not like it's anything ,if you don't wanna talk about it! Just wanting to make sure you aren't controlled by a Galra or..something." Lance looked at her dumbfounded. "Lance?  _hello_ Altean space castle to Lance."

"Whatever happened to 'Earth to Lance.?'"

"Figured it didn't make any sense since we aren't on Earth."

Ah,, painful reminder. "Anyway,don't change up the topic, you know If there is anything on your mind.. you can like spill the beans on me or something..wait that sounded wrong.No what I  _ ~~~~meant_ was that if you like need to talk; I'm - im here and stuff."

" ~~I'm fine"~~

"Oh,, okay that's uh good I guess. Just don't space out during important stuff K? We need you to pilot Blue."

'Of course that's it.. of course that's what she means. Keith asked her and nobody really cares.. _she doesn't care.'_

Lance bit his bottom lip. 

_Razorrazorrazorrazorrazorrazorrazor_

"Dude you okay? I'm sorry if I'm intruding."

_Razorrazorrazorrazorrazorrazorrazor_

"Yeah, Pidgeon, I'm fine."

Razorrazorrazorrazorrazorrazorrazor

"You sure..?"

Razorrazorrazorrazorrazorrazorrazor

"Yeah!" He laughed hysterically "Thanks for caring though! Hey maybe next time I'll get you."       She seemed satisfied with the answer. 

"In your _dreams_ ,Lance Mc'clain."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll have to extend this work! Thank you for supporting so far! Maybe I'll add an image to the story.


	4. jealous

He was there, scared but longing. The sharp metal in his hand. The room was dark, the room was quiet and he felt at peace for once. The feeling came hard and he took a deep breath as the metal sliced through his delicate skin creating a little gash. Beads of blood formed on the cuts.He repeated the process. 

_it doesn't have to be deep, I just want a sense of comfort._

'Yeah right. You're just scared...Weak!'

At this, Lance winced and he looked back down at his wrist. He looked at the small beads of blood and now he longed for more, he wanted to prove the little voice in his head wrong. After he was done the stinging tears in his eyes yet to be shed came down hard, like a storm. He looked down again, this time to see various streams of blood dripping down his wrist onto his pants. His vision was blurry with tears but he managed to slowly make his way to the bathroom. He placed the razor by the sink. 

He took a shower and decided he would sneak his clothes into the laundry later.

When he came out of his room he was clean, his hair a little wet, he wore a plain red T-shirt and a pair of black shorts. His arm was bandaged now,a little bit of blood was visibly seeping through the clean white,staining it. 

His eyes were puffy and his nose was red. His confidence was fragile and the last thing he wanted was to socialize right now, he didn't want them to question his arm plus, his jacket was stained red. The castle was quiet and the halls were empty. This is what he wanted. Peace and quiet. He wanted to gather his thoughts. It's not like the team made any noises to bother him.

 

'oh please, don't act like you're needed all the time. You're not even important enough to know what  busy is. You're the one annoying them don't act like it could ever be the other way around.

 

He sighed. His throat was scratchy, he headed to the kitchens to grab a cup of water. All he wanted was water. That'd all he asked for. 

 

He poured his glass and made his way down the hall, his blue slippers making slow shuffling noises as he walked. He passed the training deck, movement inside caught his eye and he decided to stop and take a look. Keith. 'Look at him,working hard while you sourly cry over the smallest things.' 

 

Lance sped a little faster down the hall, he didn't want to face Keith, not now at least. His prayers weren't answered when he heard faint steps behind him and he heard Keith call his name. Lance ignore him, maybe if he pretended not to notice, Keith would walk away. It's not really like Keith would care as much as to plead Lance to stop and look at him.

 

He felt a gentle touch on his shoulder. The hand was firm and for a slight moment Lance felt hope that maybe Keith cared.

 

Keith.

 

"I uh i- I like your shirt." Lance looked down to see the plain red, his back to Keith. "Is that all you came here for?" Lance asked jokingly,expecting to extend the conversation.

 

"N-no,, actually, Shiro, he asked me to apologize for screaming at you the other day. It was wrong of me..I understand that you were probably thinking of something just as important and I'm sorry.."

 

'He did this because Shiro asked him to. He doesn't care about you! He wants to impress Shiro. God Shiro has everything you could never even dream of having. Keith, respect, love, and a positive relationship with all the paladins. He's a leader and all you can do is mope around like a jealous prick.pitiful.'

His eyes stung.

 

Lance felt his shoulders lower. He hunched over a bit to attempt to hide the tears quietly streaming down his face. "D-did I say something wrong?" Keith asked slowly. Lance nodded his head no. "Th-thanks Keith, I'm grateful you care."

Keith slightly peered to look at Lance in the face but he turned it away. "Are- are you crying?"  
"No man, I'm just tired."  
"Lance.. that's what you said last time. Did I really say something wrong? Come on you can tell me." He sounded genuinely worried but Lance might as well have had his hands over his ears. They stood there for a while, quiet,awkward. Lance's cup was shaking and he gripped it tightly with both his hands in attempt to keep the water from spilling. Just as Keith was about to reach his hand out to comfort him, Lance walked away,the cup of water still shaking in his hand. He drank what was left over and he wiped his mouth. "Wait!" Keith yelled again. Lance stopped. "What's this?" Keith asked slowly as he reached out to touch Lance's arm. He flinched and pulled away."I-its still bleeding..are you okay?" Lance hummed in response  ,low and uninterested. His limbs started feeling weak and the pain in his wrist finally became recognizable. It was flaring, his head was throbbing. "..goodnight Keith."

"Goodnight.."

His tears freely made their way down his face.  
\---  
This was..weird Lance didn't say something cocky. Lance never doesn't say anything cocky. He- he's been acting really different but Keith couldn't quite put his finger on it. What was wrong with Lance?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again! I'm glad that I already have 400+ hIts!! Tysm for the support too!  
> And I'm sorry to ask but I don't really think I know how to add a picture to this. I thought about copying and pasting from a doc but I dunno.


	5. Loved?

The evening was tensed, the paladins yet again have won a battle against evil. They a stepped out of their lions. "Hunk! That was amazing!" Pidge beamed as she jogged up to the tired Hunk, his face slightly lighting up at the compliment. "What about you? You took out more Galra ships than I can count with one hit!" Hunk exclaimed. Pidge sheepishly laughed as she gave him a high five. Shiro smiled "Good work team, you did good today." Allura agreed, her white hair loosely swaying as she smiled and gave the team encouraging pats on the back. Keith nodded. "Oh, oh! What about that fire beam Keith did? Incredible!" Keith turned away, hiding the obvious blush on his cheeks. "You guys did good..too." He said in effort to add something to the conversation. Pidge chuckled teasingly. "Who's hungry?" Hunk asked as he took off his helmet and threw up his opposite hand. "Oh yeah! I sure am." "Yeah I could go for a bite." "Sure." "Lance, you in?" Lance shot his head up from the floor. "What? Oh- oh n-no no yeah no im,,, I'm good. Thanks buddy I'll pass." 

"Oh.. okay. Are- are you sure you're okay? You look kinda tired man."

His expression suddenly went from utter dullness to an empty eccentric in a flash. "This is why you need a skin care routine! Damn,I need my ultimate skin cleansing mask back." He gave a smile in effort to add on to the act. "Lance, do you want to come into the map room with me?"Allura asked, it was more of an order than a question. She'd noticed too. How Lance would stay in his room unless he was told to come out. How his bags increased and how his hair was a mess. His skin looked rather pale and he reacted slower than ever .His empty eyes seemed even more drained than they originally had. He was loosing his flirtatious charm. "M-me?" He looked surprised, unbalanced, as if Allura had just flicked a full glass of water at the edge of a cliff, leaving it to fall into despair if she ever flicked it to hard. "Wow Allura,looks like you started falling for my charm." She laughed awkwardly before walking out of the hangar, forcing Lance to jog to keep up. "W-What's this about?" 'You probably did something wrong.  _idiot._ you always do something wrong.' Lance agreed with the taunting voice in his head. There was no point in fighting back...

it was right,yeah...

~~it was definately right.~~

"Your results have been decreasing..drastically. I just wanted to know if anything in particular was bothering you." 

'She's too noticed how weak you are...it's about time.' 

"I-I'm just tired.No biggie i'm-i'm good." 

"Are you absolute positive?" 

"Y-Yeah yeah I'm good,princess." 

"Alright..well,start getting rest paladin... We need you." 

She walked away, giving him worried glances as the door closed, leaving him alone to the room.

\---

It was another quiet evening, Paladins doing things of their own. The alarm in the castle went off, the paladins rushed into the control room. 

"I want to discuss something with you all,"

"Princess, you could have called a meeting."

"I know, black paladin, but this is most certainly an emergency,one of your lions has alerted me that their paladin had put themselves in harm's way."

The paladins looked attentively at Allura just as Lance entered the room quite late. "Lance,it is important that you join us on time," Allura scolded "Specially since this is about you and your performance."

Disappointment came across the blue paladin's face. ' you're so low they finally called in a meeting to get rid of you.'

"I-im sorry, what did i do this time, i can fix it."

"That isn't about your battling performance but..how you have been acting lately."

"You're a complete zombie." chimed Pidge. 

Lance looked at Allura. "I- i don't know what you're talking..about." "Lance..you're different. Something is bothering you, we just want to talk." "I don't know what you're talking about." HIs voice rose just slightly. "Lance. Please," Pidge pleaded. "We need you." "No you dont." He mumbled. "What?" This was Keith. "I said. No you don't!" His voice echoed through the room silencing the other paladins. His breath quickened "I'm- im not worth time," his eyes stung "or your patience," tears threatened. "I'm not worth anything.." big fat tears made their way over to his chin and dropped rapidly to the floor. The paladins looked at him, surprised. "Lance that isn't true." It was Pidge. "You're lying."

"Why would you say that?", It was Hunk.

Lance's head rose to look at the paladins. "I don't do anything for the team I just hold you down.. Blue;she was wrong in choosing me."

"That isn't true!" Again it was Pidge.

"Yes it is!" He silenced her. She stared at him in worry but in annoyance. "You- you're all incredible," Lance started. All annoyance dissappeared from Pidge's eyes. "You're all so talented and..you play a role. You all have something to put on the table and while you're out there.." He gave a sob that made his body tremble, a sob that just left the team drained of anything but pure sympathy and the urge to embrace the hurt paladin. "I-I'm annoying the  _shit_ out of you."

"Lanc-"

"I almost hate myself as much as I despise the Galra...I miss my family." The tears increased drastically. "Lanc-"

"I'm worthless."

"Lance-"

"Useless."

"LancE-"

"Stupi-"

"LAnce shut uP!" Lance looked up at Keith, just as all the other paladins did, surprised. "You shut your mouth right now, stop spilling bullshit."

"Keith that's enough-"

"You know what? You're an incredible ass fucking paladin and I love you. We all loVe you." Keith's voice cracked. The paladins looked dumbfounded but found themselves agreeing. Keith stiffly stomped up to Lance and rose his hands. Lance flinched and covered his face but he felt a warm embrace. He felt soft hair brush his ear and breathing on his neck, fast and stiff. Lance looked at Keith, he gave him an and awkward expression.

"It's almost like our bonding moment."

"LancE you fuckin-"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long TuT!  
> Ig:@artisthare  
> Check out my art if you can!


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